At this holiday time, when folks’ thoughts turn to bundles of presents delivered by jolly old Saint Nicholas, we wondered what the Law might think of the night-before-Christmas activities of the greatest elf of them all, a.k.a., Santa Claus.
Our report relies upon the alleged account of Santa Claus’ December 24 routine in Clement C. Moore’s “The Night Before Christmas.” The statutory references are primarily contained in the Canadian Criminal Code. The narrator is our fictional Crown Prosecutor … Enjoy!
“We first encounter the perpetrator in front of a house (“When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter”), clearly committing a Breach of the Peace (Section 175(1)(d)). Further violations may relate to Mischief Section 430(1)(d) and an inquiry is underway.
“The accused continued such unwarranted behaviour, apparently shouting at animals, to wit, reindeer (“Now Dasher! now Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!”). This matter has been referred to the SPCA as we understand it may indicate a breach of Section 445.”
“The said animals, apparently pulling some form of aircraft (“…a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer”) were allegedly instructed by the suspect to flee: “To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away, all!” To operate an aircraft in such a dangerous manner, so close to a dwelling unit where children were peacefully sleeping (“The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads”) raises the potential charge, Your Honour, of breach of Section 218, for the reason of Endangerment of a minor, or, in the alternative, Section 430(2) Mischief Endangering Life. In addition, it is clear that a breach of Section 249 Dangerous Operation of an Aircraft has occurred in this case. In any event, the accused does not appear to be carrying any form of licence for operation of a vehicle, though he argues that where he comes from, the driving of a sleigh has never required a licence.
Transport Canada is also currently investigating whether said “sleigh” was “fit and safe for flight,” pursuant to Section 251 Unsafe Aircraft. Apparently, the accused operated this craft without running lights or navigational aids, save a very small red light purportedly emanating from the lead reindeer, said reindeer not being on the flight manifest as listed crew, at least not under his name “Rudolph,” an apparent alias which we are investigating, having sent the reindeer’s hoof prints to Trace for DNA analysis.
We now come to the principal purpose for the accused being present, Your Honour, as we find “Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound,” raising the obvious issue of Section 348 Breaking and Entering – 348 (1)(a) and 348 (1)(c)(i). The accused has admitted during questioning to being in the house, which also raises the matter of Section 349 “Being Unlawfully in a Dwelling House.”
At the time, the accused, known as “Saint Nicholas,” but who also goes by a variety of pseudonyms, a.k.a., Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Santa Claus, is found in possession of a large bag containing gifts (“…a bundle of toys he had flung on his back”). We are awaiting further testimony, Your Honour, as to whether or not the accused was using the toys to bribe the witness to avoid prosecution (“A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread”), hence a charge of witness tampering may be pending. Further investigation is underway at the docks and customs clearance centers to discover whether or not any large shipments are missing, as the bag was filled with brand new, unwrapped toys, without price tags or manufacturer’s identification. Charges with regard to Sections 354(1) and 354(2) as well as Section 357 may be pending.
The accused while in the dwelling unit also committed a variety of provincial offences, including but not limited to vagrancy (Section 179 ), and smoking in a dwelling unit without adequate ventilation (“…the stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath”) (City Bylaw #50061). Analysis of the residue in this pipe has been delayed, due to RCMP Lab budget cutbacks.
The accused continued his crime spree by breaking out of the dwelling unit (“And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose”), and again unlawfully operating the aircraft, clearly at an unsafe speed (“He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle and away they all flew like the down of a thistle”). Crown Counsel has contacted Agriculture Canada for advice as to exactly what speed, “down” does leave “a thistle” but we would submit it would, in all the circumstances, be an “unsafe speed.” In the alternative, we would submit that such speed and agility (he was, by the witness’ admission, exceedingly “lively and quick,”) may show the suspect to be guilty of the practice of magic, which we may consider further as being a possible breach of Section 365 (a). Agriculture Canada will also be consulted regarding the matter of importation of Reindeer into Canada without a licence and without inspection for Mad Reindeer disease.
The signs of obvious impairment observed by the arresting officers (“His eyes – how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!” ) have not led to a charge of Impaired Operation of an Aircraft, as the breathalyzer analysis proved negative. However, the accused by his own admission was “full of joy” and the Crown is currently investigating whether “Joy” may be a street name for any prohibited substance under either the Narcotics Control Act or the Food and Drug Act.
We must also advise the Court that a joint operation of CSIS and other international security agencies is currently underway to determine how the accused managed to violate airspace over North America without being detected. Despite numerous Immigration Act violations, the accused has not sought Refugee Status. He is claiming he resides at the “North Pole” and we understand that currently certain residents of the “North Pole” are under investigation for possible violation of child labour laws.
Notwithstanding any of the above, Your Honour, we understand as well that the accused has admitted he makes annual lists of children who are “naughty and nice,” and this brings up the question of whether the accused might also be in breach of Section 366 (1)(a), being the offence of making a false document. As to how he comes to “know when [children] are sleeping and … when [they’re] awake,” further investigations into possible invasions of privacy (Section 189 ) or, in the alternative, misuse of the Freedom of Information Act are currently underway.
Finally, Your Honour, despite the obvious advanced age of the accused, the Crown is opposing bail in this matter as the accused is clearly a flight risk. A psychiatric assessment is hereby requested pursuant to Section 672.11 (a)-(e) as the accused appears to be under the delusion that he does this sort of thing every year and has done so for centuries!
This completes the Crown’s submission, Your Honour. Thank you.
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Addendum: The Court subsequently found Santa to be an Internationally Protected Person and he has been granted Diplomatic Immunity. This determination is unanimously and internationally dubbed “The Santa Clause.”
“Happy Christmas to all;
And to all, a good night!”
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
“The Santa Clause” was written by
Robert C. Worthington & Michael Ireland
publishers of “The Fine Print – Procurement Law Review”
www.purchasinglaw.com
